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Girl Gazing


This little girl knew pain and sadness before she ever knew love and happiness

This little girl, was beaten often for no reason at all, locked in cupboards, beaten with brushes belts and cords

This little girls finger was bent backwards until it broke, she was not taken to hospital she was 7

This little girl was the ugly child, who watched another child treated like a princess and only brought out for occasion

This little girl wasn’t allowed out of her room when there were guests and visitors

This little girl was made to stand outside in the snow, and watch the family eat dinner

This little girl loved superhero's the beano and dandy, she read all of the Tintin Adventures, she could draw and write  

This little girl hated dresses and was a tomboy

This little girl cried more in her adult years for the childhood bastardised, lost and fragmented

This little girls childhood is in a box of memories and redacted notes

This little girl wasn’t hugged nurtured or cared for

This little girl was locked in her bedroom, with no toys or furniture, when the adopted family came to visit, she was only allowed down for dinner She was not allowed to open the curtains

This little girl screams and cries were ignored by the neighbours, this little girl was ignored when she was violated, at 8 years old by a group of older boys and again at 11 by a 23-year-old neighbour

This little girl spent her childhood in trauma and abuse, and did not speak of it until she was in her 40’s

This little girl attempted to take her own life several times,

This little girl excelled at sports, but never did her adoptive parents attend

This little girl ran away a lot she was never called beautiful, never told she was loved or special

This little girl had a lock on her bedroom door at 7 years of age, and would have to repeat ‘please may I go to the toilet’ in the middle of the night, and was slapped for waking anyone up

This little girl was adopted to keep the other brown child company

This little girl, was left in the hospital she was born in, on the day she was born she would be placed 13 times in the first 18 months, then adopted returned and adopted at 18 months old

This little girl was returned to local authority care at 13 years of age less than a year after she had found her adopted mother, dead on her bedroom floor.

This little girl spent a night on a park bench after being thrown out by adopted father, who let her know she was only ever adopted to keep his wife happy

This little girl knew what nigger, breed, coon, paki sambo and wog meant before she was 10 years old and in her early 20’s no nation, half breed grey and half caste,

This little girl was not accepted by the black community, outcasted and peripheralized, understanding colourism is an intercultural issue

This little girl flinches, as an adult

This little girl was the scapegoat, the juvenile delinquent

This little girl was taken to the barbers because her hair was ugly

This little girl was made to stand naked, with a peg on her tongue to make her shut up,

This little girl didn’t know that her ‘punishments’ were abuse until her mid 40’s

This little girl knew she wasn’t wanted loved or cared for nor did she belong

This little girl stuck up for others, hated injustice and lies

This little girl took beatings for things she never did

This little girl located both of her birth parents as an adult, 26 years apart, her birth father didn’t know of her existence

This little girl had to fight 4 local authorities for her rightful information/ redacted and unredacted

This little girl has no local connection as an adult

This little girl suffers horrific nightmares, as an adult

This little girl was diagnosed with CPTSD in her 40’s

This little girl lives with suicidal ideation abandonment, rejection, humiliation and betrayal trauma detachment and disassociation

This little girl changed her name by deed poll, as her borrowed family name caused her traumas to be triggered.

This little girl is me. 


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